Back to the grind...

This is how I feel

about going back to work tomorrow.

Sugar and Spice

It's her beauty that captures your attention, it's her personality that captures your heart.  ~Unknown

The Snake Solution

A few mornings ago I woke up to Little Man staring at me from the side of the bed.  This is unusual for a couple of reasons-usually I am a super light sleeper and can hear anything in the house, and secondly, he was awake before I was.  I groggily asked him what he was doing and he said that he had a bad dream.  He told me he dreamed that there was a snake and it was biting me, and then it was going to bite him and he couldn't remember how to kill the snake and the snake killed both of us.  We talked about it for a few minutes and then he seemed to be okay, so we got up and went about our day.  That night when it was time for bed he said he was scared.  His bedroom is in the basement, while ours and Little Miss' are upstairs, and he occasionally tells us this, but it has usually seemed to be a ploy to stay up later or sleep with Little Miss in her room.  But that night he got very upset and was crying and we just could not console him.  We even had Jade, the snake hunting dog, go into his room, closet and on his bed to hunt for snakes.  No dice.



Jade-the vicious snake-hunting dog.  Yeah, Little Man didn't buy it either.

Eventually, Cori and I told him he could sleep in our bed until we went to sleep, and then we would move him to his bed.  He wasn't super happy with this plan, but agreed.  Cori went up to check on him awhile later and he had tucked the comforter completely around his head and he was super sweaty, but finally asleep.  Cori decided to bring him down to his own bed where it is cooler (since we don't have AC and all) and Little Man completely lost it and started sobbing while he was still half asleep.  That clued us in that something was really going on and we needed to take him more seriously.  So we put him upstairs on the couch but he still didn't go back to sleep.  Now usually this little guy is OUT like a light when we put him to bed (thank goodness!  I've discovered I am so not one of those people that can handle when the kids are up and down 15 times before going to sleep) so when he was still awake when I came upstairs I told him he could sleep with Little Miss.  We made up a little bed on the floor and he crawled in and seemed to settle down.  But when I went in a few minutes later he was curled up in a little tiny ball and had again tucked his blanket completely over his head and face.  It was so tight it scared me-what if I hadn't checked on him??  Of course he was completely drenched in sweat and flushed.  Luckily he had fallen asleep for good and I was able to fix his covers without worrying he would wake up and cover his head again.  We didn't push things for a couple of days and continued to let Little Man sleep on the floor with Little Miss.  When we broached the topic again with him, he had an immediate meltdown.  We couldn't decide how to handle the situation and finally decided to really just acknowledge his fears and let him dictate how to move forward.  I'm reading this book titled "The Connected Child" and it's geared towards parenting adopted children and/or children with trauma history.  The authors really advocate for disarming the fear response in kids that come from these situations, so we decided to give it a shot.  We talked with Little Man about what would help him to feel safer and gave him a couple of ideas that we had thought of.  I thought giving Little Man a jug filled with ice water to "freeze" the snake was fabulous, but I got a seven-year-old eye roll in response.  Thankfully, Cori came up with a GENIUS story about how old time cowboys used to lay their ropes around them while they slept because snakes wouldn't cross the rope because the snakes' bellies are too sensitive and the rope would hurt them.  I have no idea if it's true or not, but he swears it is.  Either way, it was convincing enough for Little Man to at least listen and not dissolve into tears right away.  I have to say, it turns out that Cori can be a really convincing liar storyteller, which has worked out great when you need to make something believable for the kids-thankfully at this point I can tell when he's trying to do this to me!  We told Little Man that he could sleep one more night on the floor with Little Miss, then he would move to the couch the next night, and then we would talk about him moving back down to his room the night after that.  We talked up the rope idea all day today and told Little Man he would get to pick the rope he thought would be best.  Before we went to the store, he had decided on a black rope, since the snake would not be able to see it and then he could trick the snake by having the rope laid out.  When we got there, he ended up choosing some regular old jute, which is actually pretty scratchy.  I told him he would have to wear gloves before he could lay it out so he wouldn't hurt his hands and when we got home, we made up his bed on the couch and then laid the rope out all around it.  I have to say it worked like a charm!  It might have also helped that we got up early, and the kids didn't get to bed until almost 10, since we went out to dinner to celebrate Pops' birthday tonight.  Whatever it was, Little Man was sound asleep and didn't have any trouble tucking in for the night.  Thank goodness for creative husbands and trusting little boys!



My Little Man sacked out on the couch.  The rope is on the floor and he has his "lucky" quilt with him.

**UPDATE**
We put Little Man in his room last night with ZERO problems.  Yay!!  It worked!

How the kids came to be...

When I was fresh out of college, I applied for a job in Akron working as a child protection caseworker.  I didn't have a clue what the job entailed, but for some reason, most likely desperation on their part, I got hired.  I loved the job, especially at first.  I had an AWESOME supervisor and I learned a lot-about the job, about myself, and about life in general.  When we moved two and a half years later, I had many things that really stuck with me about my time there.  One was my ongoing love for small towns.  I was not-am not-one of those people who couldn't wait to move to the city.  I'm actually still trying to escape the city back to the country! The next was what I affectionately refer to as The Case From Hell.  It earned its capital letters about three times over.  Lastly, I learned how important it is to have a really great supervisor when you have a really stressful, difficult job.  Even better for me though, was that I really valued the friendship I had with my supervisor and I loved and respected her.  It was the single hardest part about moving away.  We stayed in touch after I left with random updates.



When she emailed me in late 2010, with the subject line "Hello," I didn't think much of it, until I actually read the email.  She said she didn't know where we were at with things, but that Little Man and Little Miss had been in foster care for awhile, and there was the possibility they would need a forever home.  Then she sent their pictures. 



Little Man

Little Miss



Little Man (age 5) and Little Miss (age 4)



We joked that she knew what our answer would be before she sent the email, because she knew that we got our puppies after seeing a black and white photocopied flier on a bulletin board!  Anyway, to say that their pictures were adorable would be an understatement.  But Cori and I had not talked about adopting older children (they were nearly 5 and nearly 6 at the time) and we were in our black hole of hopelessness, so we hadn't really been planning anything as far as next steps were concerned.  After much thought and prayerful consideration, we decided to go ahead with getting licensed as a foster home and see what happened as far as the case was concerned.  By the summer of 2011, we were officially licensed, and man, were those foster care classes a joke!  I felt bad for the people were had no idea what they were getting into because those classes certainly didn't educate them like they should have.  We met the kids for the first time in July 2011.  They were even cuter in person, if that was possible!  We wanted the kids to move to our home before school began in the fall of 2011, but that was not meant to be.  We didn't feel like things were ever going to move along and that we would be in limbo forever.  The kids began to stay weekends with us to prep for the transition to our home.  Finally, on December 20, 2011, they moved to our home.  It was strange to be so eager for something to happen that was so traumatic for their birth family, and for the kids.  We, mainly I, really struggled with this.  After working in the field for so long, I knew how hard of a situation the kids were coming from, both from the trauma they had experienced at home, to the trauma of being taken from that home and losing their family, to the grief of their birth family.  It was hard to be joyful for us when I knew how much grief other people, including the kids, were dealing with.  Even with all the horrible things I've seen, I still really believe that birth parents love their children.  They may not care for them, and they may even hurt them, but they don't love them any less (and this is probably the least cynical thing you will ever hear me say about my profession, so take note!)  Finally I just had to move past that and trust that we were doing the right thing.  The kids weren't really aware of why we had been spending time with them and didn't know what the plan was, so the move was a shock for them.  Then with Christmas being just five days later, things got very chaotic and crazy, and it did not go smoothly concerning the previous foster home and the move to our house.  But we were so happy to finally have them with us and to start getting to know each other!  The kids started school here in January and they were pretty behind.  I'm not sure if it was due to the difference in school systems or just not getting enough attention where they were before, but we had a lot of work to do!  Thankfully, they started catching up quickly.  Things have been an absolute whirlwind for the last seven months.  There have been ups and downs, just as any family would have.  The shock of going from no kids to two kids that need active parenting (not just bottles and new diapers) for not only typical issues but special needs was pretty big.  We had to figure out how to discipline, be consistent, co-parent, clean the house, work, etc. etc. all in a short time frame.  Luckily I was able to take a month off of work to be with the kids, and since they were on Christmas Break from school, we had a lot of good time together.





Our Infertility Story

Cori and I began our infertility journey (I don't think journey is the right word-it has been much more harrowing than that connotes, but I can't find the word that fits) nearly as soon as we got married.  I began taking birth control pills right before we got married without much thought to it.  I wasn't worried about the synthetic hormones I was ingesting and really didn't think about how it might affect my body, other than in the intended way!  Now, of course, we would educate ourselves more thoroughly about our choices.  If we could go back, we would just let nature take its course.  We may have ended up in the same situation, but we'll never know (and I would be 60 pounds skinnier!)  Within five months of getting married, I stopped taking the pills because they were wreaking havoc on my body and endocrine system.  I had gained 60 pounds in four months and I knew that it was not because my diet had suddenly changed or I had stopped being active.  To say these five months were a huge shock to my system would be a huge understatement and it was awful to feel so unable to control what was happening with my body.  The first two doctors I saw told me that birth control doesn't cause the issues I was having and that I just needed to watch my diet, etc.  My second doctor didn't even bother with a phone call to tell me results of testing, but sent me a letter saying that everything was fine and she would see me next year.  Um, no.  I never went back.  And things weren't "fine."  Even though birth control is fine for most people, there are small statistically insignificant numbers of people that birth control seriously affects.  And when you are one of those insignificant people, it's not great.  I finally found a doctor that really listened to me (call if you want her number!  I love her!) Long story short, I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is an endocrine disorder.  Ironically, I don't have cysts  but since it's a syndrome, I "qualified" by having other symptoms that qualified.  However, my numbers were all borderline, and my doctor said that it was just as likely that a different doctor would not have diagnosed me with this disorder.  That was good news, supposedly, but it just felt even more frustrating because we were hovering so close to the "unknown cause" category of infertility.  After several years of testing, many thousands of dollars spent on testing and treatment, and no children to show for it, we were done.  We needed to take a break and regroup.  I would say that those years were some of the darkest we have seen in our marriage, not because Cori and I were struggling as a couple, but because things just felt so hopeless.  It seemed like we had read everything there was to read and that we knew more than our doctor about alternative treatment, outcomes, etc.  There were also some really funny situations.  Let me just say, Cori was a little too eager to give me an injection, tapping the needle and all, very dramatically.  I was so nervous I couldn't stop laughing.  I still laugh when I think about it now.  However, in some ways, we are still in this place with infertility.  Yes, we have Little Man and Little Miss and we would never trade them, and yet we don't feel like our family is complete.  But what do we do?  That's the million dollar question.  We don't know.  We don't know if we will ever know.  At this point the emotional cost of infertility treatment and possible (probable?) failure is much more costly to us than the financial cost, which in itself is beyond reason.  So I guess our story continues.  Luckily we have these two to give us some comic relief everyday!

This used to be how Little Miss took every picture-luckily we've moved on from that!

Not-So-Fertile Friday...on a Wednesday

I'm not much of a support group person, I'm definitely not a petitioner or marcher, and I'm not big on joining a cause and putting my story out for the world to hear.  But because of the profound impact infertility has had on my life, I think that a little effort to spread the word about infertility would help me feel like I'm doing my part to keep it from being such a silent disease.  Enter "Not-So-Fertile Friday."  If I really had my act together, I'd plan a post for each Friday.  But that's a big IF (no pun intended-in the infertility world the letters IF are used as the abbreviation for infertility).  And once I go back to work-I've been off the last two months with the kids-all bets are off.  This post is the one wherein I attempt not to get preachy, but I guess we'll see how successful I am at that.  Also the use of parentheses is rather abundant.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  And I'll add a gratuitous photo of the kids, just because.  Oh, and of my vinyl yellow chair.  I love that chair, in all it's glorious ugliness.  It's the most comfortable chair we own.  I got it for $15 nine years ago at Salvation Army.  It's arms were black with dirt.  I'd pay $100 for it now.

Yes, they are still in their pajamas.  No, I do not feel a need to make them change.  They've been playing house all morning.  This is the first day this summer we have had no plans and have been able to just laze around the house.  They lay on the floor facing each other and use their imaginations.  I think it's cute. 

Procreation is one of the strongest, most basic instinctual urges a human being will ever experience.  Add in cultural mores (hello, we are Mormons) as well as other factors and you quickly begin to see just how strong the desire for children is in many people.  I knew nothing about infertility before it rudely interrupted my nicely-planned life (I'm talking 6 kids by 30, roughly.  I love kids!  Ask Cori and he would have said 4.)  Unlike heart disease or breast cancer, infertility is a hidden disease that most people are hestitant to talk about-including Cori and I!  The tests are invasive, expensive, and embarrassing.  It feels like you've caused it or done something wrong, or are just not good enough or worthy enough to be able to do something-have a baby-that lots of other (less-qualified!) people can do without thinking, or accidentally, or carelessly, or while actively preventing, etc.  You get the point.  I think.  Add in people who say seriously thoughtless and hurtful things and I'm even less likely to open my mouth to talk about it.  If you told someone that you had breast cancer, and their response was, "Well, that's just God's plan for you" would you continue talking about it?  Probably not.  Even once you've moved past denial and accepted that there is an issue, the cost of treatment is seriously prohibitive.  Insurance coverage is not mandated in Colorado, and only a small handful (15 to be exact) of states do require coverage.  Even some of the least invasive treatments can easily cost $2000, and that doesn't even include the testing that occurs before that.  The success rate for that treatment?  About 15% for ideal patients.  IVF, the most advanced science, has an average success rate of 30-35% for women under 35.  It costs an average of $15,000.  Most people begin with less invasive treatment and move towards IVF when they are unsuccessful.  When you compile all the costs, the amounts can be staggering.  And forget having more than one child (unless you're independently wealthy, which, ahem, I will be once I win the lotto tonight).  The average cost of domestic adoption tops $20,000 and fewer women choose to place their babies for adoption now than ever before.  Of course you could take out loans and use your savings, but what happens when treatment doesn't work?  It would seem like being able to have a child would be worth any sacrifice, but at some point couples with infertility are forced to reconcile the strong desire they have to build their family with reality.  It's basically impossible (at least it has been for Cori and I).  How much is your child worth to you?  Can't put a number on it, can you.  But infertile couples have to make that decision.  And it's not fun.  Depression in infertility patients occurs at about the same rate as in cancer patients.  That's significant.  And significantly overlooked.  As you're reading this, think about all the family and friends you know.  About 1 in 7 couples struggle with infertility, just over 14%, in any given year.  Add a couple's child-bearing years together and do the math...  If I were smarter I'd work out the probability, but that's beyond me.  But I do know it's a lot of people.  The average odds of a woman getting breast cancer in her lifetime are about 12%.  Which do you hear more about?  Of course, breast cancer kills many women each year, and I'm not suggesting that it shouldn't garner a lot of attention.  It should.  But so should other things.  Odds are, you know someone that infertility has impacted, and odds are, there are other couples you know that have struggled that haven't told anyone.

How We Came to Be...

*Editor's Note: This was originally a long, detailed, BORING post about how Cori and I met, etc. etc.  Even I got bored with it and it's my story.  So I'm cutting to the chase in this edited version.*

Cori and I grew up going to church together.  One thing led to another and when we were 23, we got married.  We were close friends first and I don't know how anybody does it any other way!  It really makes things so much easier and worthwhile.  We lived in Akron, Colorado for 2.5 years, then moved so Cori could continue his education at CSU.  In August 2007 we bought our first house, and have been living in Fort Collins, Colorado since then.  We love it here!  That said, I'm always looking at houses and places to move-so if you've got something interesting, I'd love to see it!.  I guess I just like the change, and I like being forced to go through all our junk each time we move.  That's strange I know, but I'm becoming more and more minimalist as time goes on, and I'm always curious about how people get rid of junk/clutter/stuff, or organize, or decorate it, or upcycle it, etc.

Wedding Day

We got married on  December 3, 2004, and it seems like the time has flown by.  I always say that while the wedding day was fun and important, and all that jazz, there are so many bigger things to come.  And I don't mean bigger parties or days that we spend more time planning.  Just more important things.  So it really doesn't matter if your flowers are wrong or some detail isn't quite right or if it rains on the big day.  What matters is that you are officially beginning your life and marriage with your partner.  And that means so much more than a white dress and some cake.  Anyway, enough philosophizing...



Cori and I on our honeymoon



I'm going to be THAT person-you know, the one with a blog...

I am really not a blog-type of person, but I feel like since none of the things that I want to remember are getting put to paper (so to speak) I might as well give it a shot.  But let me tell ya, after I spent three looong evenings of frustration and exasperation trying to get this thing off the ground, I nearly took it as a sign I should let sleeping dogs lie (or lay? I've never quite figured out that word usage.  Anyway...)  Then, Cori offered to help me and within five minutes we had a background and a little button thingy and here we are with our first post.  I'm hoping this goes better than my attempt at online journaling; I finally sent those reminder emails I was receiving from the website I used to my spam folder.  I'm thinking that what I will do is start with who we are and a little about us, and then jump right into where we are now.  I seriously doubt anyone that doesn't know us will read our blog, but whenever I randomly stumble across a blog where I just jump right into someone's life, I always appreciate them linking back to an entry about their family, at least so I get the major players.  Not that I'll be able to figure out how to do that, but hey, a girl can dream.